Alexander in Transit

being back on antidepressants is good.

a-soulless-lime:

beadedhoney:

widowmaker:

i always get this weird impulse to slap the melons in the grocery store and without thinking i almost slapped this huge fuckign watermelon in someone elses cart while……he was …….standing beside it….

I work in produce some days, and some days I DO slap the melons

1-800-AREYOUSLAPPIN

that makes sense to me as a biological impulse, because we are fruit eating creatures and you figure out how good a melon is by how it sounds when you hit it.

so slap away

(via sexualferriswheel)

1.

two years of no antidepressants because they didn’t believe me when I told them my symptoms were environmental, despite having so many others who agreed and advocated.

2.

all those nights at Qs, noticing the patterns align, our migraines and seizures synchronizing, the familiar smells and signs, the sleepless waterboarded feeling of counting the clock every few minutes when another wave rolled around… and fucking no one believed us enough to do anything. after the first cursory, half-ass, obligatory questions their housing worker asked…. yeah. once again. the gift of disbelief that kept on giving.

you wanna talk triggers? I lost my fucking MIND, back in the springtime. remember when I dislocated my shoulder for 4 days and didn’t really notice? that’s probably because I was busy trying to contain the way my head was unravelling from the inside. wasn’t about to go back to psych; given that that is where the gaslighting got it’s biggest tank of fuel.

last week, 2 of Q’s (former, now) housemates were arrested for possession of their seizure-causing smokeables. like, my general belief is that they deserve help and not punishment, but JESUS, the pressure that released from my PTSD pile was intense. I hysterically cried when I learned that I had been correct, that it wasn’t just some part of my brain inventing things (which has never happened, but gaslighting fucked me up and I am going to be fucked up about accusations of delusion for a very long time).

3.

4 out of 5 doctors didn’t actually check for my kidney stones because they didn’t believe me, despite having everything they needed to assess, and one even pretty certain but still unwilling to CHECK.

———

this is a pattern I don’t know how to keep up with. I don’t know how to deal with the automatic disbelief when I say “I have a serious problem”.

especially when the result is that it makes everything worse, and health suffers drastically as a result.

we dont need to talk about how close to death things did or could have become, if I hadn’t kept going back to the doctors. if people hadn’t kept pushing me to go back to the doctors.

think about things.

everyone so eager to disprove.

if we had just set to prove, and then failed?

it would have been so much faster, and the consequences less dire.

I literally can’t imagine what life would be like if someone had just believed me, two years ago.

lord knows I’ll never be the same person I was before what has happened between then and now, but I am starting to really come to terms with becoming someone who gets to move on when it all eventually comes to an end.

it will eventually come to an end. I don’t know yet what that will entail, but I will rebuild myself.

it wont look the same.

but that is probably for the best, anyway. lets me know I’m not stagnant.